What are boundaries? And why they are important.

Everyone is talking about boundaries these days, but what are they? Sometimes we hear them when someone is really giving an ultimatum, or when someone is trying to find an excuse for their rudeness. How many times have you read in social media posts "I have my boundaries!"

Well what exactly are these things? Boundaries are guidelines and structures we use in our own lives to base our life around what feels comfortable and right for us. For a Christian for example it may include specific things related to our faith. For others, it is a structure that helps them guide their life as well based on what they consider their moral compass.

What boundaries ARE NOT: They are not ways to withhold relationship, love, kindness, friendship, etc. unless absolutely necessary. We do not use boundaries to force others to do what we want. So then what would be an example of boundaries that are acceptable? Glad you asked! An acceptable boundary would be saying no to someone who is coming into town and is hinting at staying with you at your home. (Unless you want them to.) Another example would be saying yes to the cookie party for your son's kindergarten class but saying no to being a chaperone on the field trip.

Other toxic ways I have seen boundaries used as a therapist are: moms keeping children away from fathers, people cutting off contact with their parents because they refuse to bend to what the child (adult) wants, someone continuing a conversation when you have said that you're done with the topic and no longer wish to discuss it.

Helping clients define their own boundaries is one of my favorite things to do in counseling. I think of it as scaffolding for their heart and soul. Most of the time people come to me with no boundaries and I am able to help them build that scaffolding with their own decisions and guidelines and learn how to implement them.

And yes, sometimes a client comes to me with too rigid boundaries and they are actually not only harming themselves but others around them. This is why I always suggest "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, so much so that it's almost required reading for our therapy sessions. Boundaries are the basis of our behavior, what we accept and don't accept, what we do with what we're given, and how we react to the world around us.

If you would like to get a copy of Boundaries, check out my Amazon link, I may earn a small commission from your purchase.

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